


Love is Like a Box of Onions (Shrek x Reader AU)

by LunarDuck



Category: Caillou (Cartoon), Cool Cat Saves the Kids (2015), Peppa Pig (Cartoon), Sesame Street (TV), Shrek (Movies), SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 9,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24783148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunarDuck/pseuds/LunarDuck
Summary: You're a worker at a company where one of your partnering businesses just got bought out, and it just happens to be a handsome ogre you met at a coffee shop! Can you two manage to keep your relationship professional, or will the drama and gossip send you two on a bumpy ride?
Relationships: Peppa Pig (Peppa Pig)/Shrek (Shrek)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

"Yes, may I have a small latte, please?" you say while grabbing your wallet for money. All of a sudden, a large green hand smacks cash onto the counter.

"Drinks are on me." a gruff voice says, presumably belonging to the green hand. You shiver and look up to face an ogre of EPIC proportions.

"Don't stare too long, sweetie." the ogre man says, making you swoon.

"I-I wasn't staring!" you say defensively, covering your face to hide the new reddish hue along your countenance. The tall, dark, and handsome ogre man winks at you and walks away, his hips swaying as he sashayed. You don't know who the beautiful creature is, but what you do know was you are attracted to his manly green-ness and want to see him again. 

"Wait!" you yell, leaving your latte at the counter and sprinting to catch up with him, but by the time you are out the door, he is gone.


	2. Chapter 2

You head home, still disappointed about not being able to speak to that stunning stranger. All you can manage to do is flop onto the couch and channel surf. Luckily, you have the day off at the office, so you continue to change the channel until something catches your eye.

"Breaking news!" the TV reporter says, looking you straight into the eyes through the television as she speaks. "A billionaire has just bought out NASA!"

You perk up suddenly, interested in the news. After all, your company works closely with NASA and other big companies, so this would be something you would want to know about.

"According to our sources, he will be meeting with people who work with or as partners with NASA in the following weeks. He's not one for being in the public eye, so we'll have to wait and see who this mystery billionaire is."

The news segment ends, and you shut off the TV. Tomorrow sure will be an interesting day for you at work!

__________

After you make yourself a dinner of french ONION soup, you head off to bed, despite not being tired. The thought of that smoldering mystery man keeps you up, but eventually, you succumb to sleep.

You wake up entangled in two green arms holding you tight. You're alarmed at first, but as you turn around, you see the sleeping figure next to you is none other than the coffee shop ogre! Your heart beats with delight, but he suddenly wakes up.

"DONKAHY?" the ogre bellows. You're horrified that an ogre would think that you were a donkey! You stand up and try to pull away, but the ogre grabs you and pulls you closer. Eventually, you are trapped once again, and it starts all over.

__________

"AAAAAH!" you scream, actually waking up this time. Unfortunately, there is no ogre nearby this time. 

"It's probably for the best that that ogre isn't here. In my dream, he called me a donkey!" you mutter to yourself as you get dressed in your work attire. Your outfit consists of a crisp white shirt, a sleek black velvet jacket, and a matching black skirt that almost reaches your knees. You strap on your black strappy high-heels and grab a cup of coffee from your Keurig as you hurry out of your apartment for work.

You hop into your Uber, swing your work bag in, and sit back as you are driven to your office building.


	3. Chapter 3

Finally, your Uber arrives at your office building. You shut off your phone since you had just finished playing an intense round of Candy Crush and step out of the car, tipping your Uber and rating 5 stars. At least he didn't try kidnapping you like the other Ubers (qUiRkY!).

As you walk up to the tall building in which you work, your high heel gets stuck between a crack in the sidewalk and you stumble forward, about to faceplant into the ground. All of a sudden, a pair of buff purple alien arms catch you. You regain balance and dust off your skirt, smiling as you look into the face of your work friend, Thanos.

"Hey, Y/N!" Thanos said chirpily. He hands you your bag, which had fallen off your shoulder during that qUiRkY fall.

"Hey, Thanos! How was your quest for the Infinity Stones this weekend? Any luck?" you say, walking towards your office building with him.

"Nah, no luck. I did have to decimate a couple of superheroes though." Thanos says, obviously defeated by his failure. 

"Oh well, there's always next weekend. Plus, you got to destroy some people, and that's always fun!" you say, trying to cheer him up.

You both head into the revolving doors, spinning in them a couple of times for good measure, and then head towards the elevators. Thanos uses his thicc fingers to press the Floor 13 button, and you stand in peaceful silence as the elevator travels upwards.

"Are you nervous about meeting the new boss?" Thanos asks, trying to break the silence. Your heart drops.

"That's happening today?" you ask, trying to stay calm.

"Yep! It shouldn't be too bad though. The meeting is 45 minutes, and it's just to update us on how our partnership with NASA will progress and change with the new leadership." Thanos explains.

"That's a relief!" you say, and just as you finish that sentence, the elevator bell rings and the doors open to reveal your floor. You both step off and head together towards your cubicles.


	4. Chapter 4

Work may be tedious at times, but the best thing about work is that you get to work next to your best friend, Thanos! You feel like you can tell Thanos anything. After all, when you had to end your toxic relationship with Caillou, Thanos was there to comfort you and bring you all the Chubby Hubby ice cream that you wanted, even though you're lactose intolerant (qUiRkY).

As you sit down to get to work, you notice something odd going on. All you hear is people around you whispering. You turn to your other deskmate, Peppa Pig.

"Hey, Peppa? What's going on? Why are people whispering so much?" you ask, confused about what all the fuss is about.

Peppa snorts, which is her way of giggling. "Why, everyone is talking about the new boss! Spongebob saw him walking into the building at 6 am, and he said he was buff and an ogre!"

You gasp, thinking about the handsome ogre from the coffee shop, but push that thought away. There are so many ogres in the sea, and the chance of it being the one from yesterday was not even possible. "That's...interesting! I'm anxious to meet the new boss, though. Who knows what he'll be like!"

Peppa snorts once more and stares off dreamily, deep into thought. "I bet he's handsome. Ogres are SO handsome."

You roll your eyes and get back to work, but your mind keeps thinking about everything. The dream, the handsome ogre man, and the suspense of meeting the new boss is keeping you from working. 

"Ugh!" you moan, frustrated at your inability to work. You get up and head to the kitchen in your office to grab another cup of coffee and make some instant noodles. You peel the top off of the ramen pack and add water, and then shove it into the microwave aggressively.

"Someone's angry. What's up?" Thanos asks, suddenly walking into the kitchen and grabbing a pack of sPiCy crisps.

"I just can't concentrate. Yesterday, I met a stranger at the coffee shop, and he was super handsome and paid for my coffee! The problem is, I never got to thank him or talk to him! Then, I had this super weird dream about him that was kinda creepy because he called me a DONKEY!" you say, out of breath from all of that.

You don't notice it, but Thanos's face contorts with jealousy once you finish talking about the handsome stranger. He quickly covers it up, though. "Well, maybe you should date someone else! Someone... purple?"

Unfortunately, you're a dumb cinnamon roll who is oblivious to everything. "Huh? You're so random, Thanos!"

Thanos is about to respond to that, but then the microwave dings. You take out your ramen and you grab your coffee and head back to your cubicle, leaving Thanos in the kitchen.


	5. Chapter 5

After a few more hours of work, it was time to head to the conference room to meet the new boss. You walk there with Thanos and Peppa, getting more nervous as you approached. This new boss would make or break your career, and you couldn't help but be anxious. Thanos walked ahead and grabbed the door handles eagerly, smiling at you as you entered the conference room with Peppa in tow.

"I'm so excited!" Peppa said with a snort as you and her sat down, with Thanos coming to sit with you two. "Do you think he's as handsome as Spongebob described?" 

You were trying to make an excuse for answering when suddenly the doors swung open behind you. A familiar gruff voice bellowed "Am I late?"

Your breath hitches as you turn, and as you see the figure, your face turns to shock. It's the cafe ogre! 

The 'cafe ogre' meets eyes with you, and he seems surprised as well. He shakes his head and gives a little wink to you before averting his eyes and looking at the group around the conference table.

"I'm sure you guys have questions about the new dynamic of this company, and I'm here to answer them. My name is Shrek, but that's Mr. Shrek to all of you. Now, let's get started!" he says, making all the ladies and Peppas in the room swoon.

__________

45 minutes later everyone seemed satisfied by Shrek's meeting, and people began filing out. You massage your head, trying to fix the migraine you gained during the meeting. You didn't get the migraine from Shrek, however, but instead from Peppa constantly telling you every 5 minutes how 'hot Shrek is'. You start to walk out with the rest of the group, but a deep voice behind you clears their throat loudly. You turn your head to see Shrek motioning at you to stay behind. As you walk towards him, both Peppa and Thanos look at you jealously, for different reasons.

"Yes, Mr. Shrek?" you ask, batting your eyes. After missing him for so long, you decide you want him to be yours, and so you activate Flirt Mode.

"That won't work on me, Miss- wait, what's your name?" Shrek asks questioningly.

"Y/N." you state, defeated at the failure of Flirt Mode.

"Yes. Well, Miss Y/N, I obviously recognized you from the coffee shop. Please don't mention that to your coworkers, as I want to seem more like a boss to them and less as a casual acquaintance." Shrek says to you as he looks down at his papers and scribbles a note down. 

"Alright..." you say, your heart crushed. You start to rush out, trying to get as far away from Shrek without seeming panicked, but a muscular green hand catches your arm. You whip around to see Shrek, who had gotten up from his desk.

"I trust I'll be seeing you soon, Miss Y/N. It was a pleasure." Shrek says seductively as he bends down to kiss your hand, not breaking eye contact with you. He releases your hand and walks away with his classic sashay.

You walk towards the elevator and back to your cubicle, almost floating from that experience.


	6. Chapter 6

Luckily, when you got back to your cubicle from that magical meeting and checked the time, work was over. You probably wouldn't have even been able to get any work done after what just happened! As you grabbed your bag and headed towards the elevator again, you realized you were forgetting someone. 

"Thanos!" you said as you quickly speed-walked back towards your cubicle. "You wanna walk out with me?"

Thanos continued typing for about a minute before turning towards you and narrowing his eyes into a withering glare. "Nah, I don't want to walk with someone who's willing to kiss the new boss on his first day."

You gasp, offended by Thanos's accusation. Then, you realize he doesn't know that you technically already know him!

"Thanos, it's okay! He's the coffee shop ogre! I met Shrek yesterday!" you say, trying to giggle to lighten the tense mood between the two of you. 

He rolls his eyes, obviously unsatisfied by your answer. "So, meeting a guy randomly one day makes it okay to start making out with him?" Thanos asks, snapping his fingers absent-mindedly as he speaks.

"How is him kissing my hand considered 'making out'? Shrek was just being polite, which is unlike how you're being right now!" you say, tears welling up in your eyes. Thanos supported you through your breakup with Caillou, your toxic ex, but now he was being super weird!

Once again, Thanos rolls his eyes and sighs loudly. "Do whatever. I don't care," he states aggressively and then turns away from you, a signal for you to leave.

You stare at him for a moment longer in disbelief and sadness, but then he snaps at you to leave. Rushing out, you almost trip as you did outside, but this time, there is no Thanos to catch you.

__________

Once you get home, you curl up in your bed and sob. Today had been such a good day since you got to meet and hang out with Shrek, the coffee shop ogre of beauty, but then Thanos came along and ruined it. You knew there was only one thing to calm you down, so you pulled out your phone and put on your Pewdiepie videos. As that majestic man screamed "BROFIST" and "FLOOR GANG" into your ears, you could feel yourself calming.

After 4 hours of Pewdiepie videos, you felt good enough to make dinner. "I deserve to treat myself," you say while shuffling through recipes.

You pull out your grandmother's recipe book and flip to your favorite dish; cheesy baked ONIONS (even though you're lactose intolerant! qUiRkY!). After preparing the meal and putting the food in the oven, you watch some more Pewdiepie videos until the oven gives its little 'ding'. 

Finally, you finish the ENTIRE TRAY of cheesy baked ONIONS and head off to bed. This time, you spray some swamp mist on your pillows to prevent yourself from having another weird dream about Shrek.

"In real life, he wouldn't call me a donkey. That was probably just the dream, right?" you whisper to yourself doubtfully. Eventually, you drift off to a peaceful night's sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

You wake up and notice that your eyes are red and puffy. For a minute, you can't remember why you were crying, but then you remember. Thanos. You don't want to go to work, but then you remember you get to see Shrek! Although the thought of Thanos slightly weighs you down as you prepare for work, Shrek motivates you even more than anything you've ever experienced.

After you change into your work attire and grab a breakfast of an omelet with peppers and ONION, you walk out the door of your apartment and into your Uber.

__________

Once at the office, you walk in towards the elevator and see your friend, Peppa! You smile and walk over to her, ready to say hello, when she turns and glares at you.

"What's wrong, Peppa?" you ask, baffled at how annoyed she looked.

"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing to you, *oink*, since you obviously don't care about my feelings," Peppa states snarkily and then turns away from you to head into the now available elevator.

You quickly walk with her into the elevator while asking, "What do you mean? Did I do something wrong?"

Peppa snorts in a disbelieving way. "I'm not sure you would consider making out with the beefy handsome ogre that I said that I liked wrong since you did it anyway."

Your mouth drops. You had forgotten in the rush of the moment that Peppa had said that she liked Shrek! "Peppa, I should have told you. Shrek and I met before! He paid for my latte two days ago!"

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Peppa shrieks at you, getting up in your face. "We're work buddies! You're supposed to support me and my romantic endeavors!"

"Well, I met him first! He's mine!" you yell back, looking down at her with an intimidating stare.

"Uh...guys?" a voice behind you and Peppa says. 

You both whip around to see who is speaking, and immediately turn bright red. Spongebob had been standing in the corner of the elevator, listening to the entire fight! He was standing in the corner, as far away from the two of you as he could be, and was scared of what was happening nearby.

"Oh. Hi Spongebob..." you mutter awkwardly, trailing off. "Sorry that we didn't see you and you had to be here to witness this."

Spongebob shrugs, and as he's about to say something back to you, the elevator dings and the doors slide open. Peppa steps out, gives you a menacing glare for good measure, and walks away sassily. She then stops and turns back to you.

"This is war. I won't stop till Shrek is mine *oink*," and with that, she was off.

You and Spongebob walk out of the elevator, but instead of heading towards the cubicles, you run to the bathroom. If you want to win Shrek over, you're going to have to put in a little extra work.


	8. Chapter 8

You ran into the bathroom, your heart thumping. If you were going to be with Shrek, you were going to have to give yourself a makeover and you had the perfect supplies. You reached into your workbag and whipped out your secret pouch with a label on it that said "Ogre Seduction Supplies". This wasn't your first time in this arena.

The first step was your face. You used some shimmery green eyeshadow, green bronzer, and a swamp brown eyeliner to give yourself an ogre-chic look. Next, you pull out some swamp mist and Scent Deu Onion and spray a bucketload on yourself. Shrek wouldn't be able to resist you. Now you were ready to seduce your ogre man.

"Peppa doesn't stand a chance," you say to yourself in the mirror as you flip your hair back.

You strut out of the bathroom and towards your cubicles, ready to show up Peppa and show off to Shrek.

__________

As you sit down in your cubicle, Peppa looks over at you and sneers angrily. She obviously had the same idea as you for ogre attraction, but her green face paint and knock-off swamp scent made her look like a solid 1 to your solid 10.

"Hey, Peppa, sweetie! You look... unique today!" you say, flipping your hair once again and smirking.

You turn towards Thanos, who looks at you in awe but covers the look with a neutral face. "Hey, sorry for what I said yesterday, Y/N. I was having some... other feelings, and I took it out on you. You look great today. Why are you so dressed up today?"

Thanos finishes his sentence and smiles sheepishly at you, and you return the grin. "Oh, thanks, Thanos! I'm glad we're still friends. After all, you're like a brother to me," Thanos's smile melts away for a second, but he quickly regains his composure, "and I'm happy we're still super close. Anyways, I'm planning on seducing Shrek today!" 

Thanos's jaw drops, and his eyes suddenly look watery. "Th-that's great, Y/N. C-can you excuse me?" 

Before you can answer, he runs off to the alien's bathroom and you can hear sounds that are similar to vomiting coming from it.

"Huh, that was weird!" you mutter to yourself as you turn to your computer. In about an hour, you would be in Shrek's office giving him his scheduled report of the office, but really, you'd be seducing him.


	9. Chapter 9

While you worked, all you could think about was seeing Shrek, but you finally finished the report that Shrek had asked you for. You stood up and checked how you looked in the mirror, wanting to make sure everything was perfect for Shrek.

"Just as hot as ever!" you say to yourself, not noticing Peppa looking at you with jealousy.

You strut towards Shrek's office, ready to hand in the report. As you walk in, Shrek looks at you and grins. "Hello, Y/N. Do you have my report?"

"Yes sir. Here you go," you say as you walk closer.

When you hand in the report, Shrek sniffs the room and catches a whiff of your deluxe swamp perfume. He smiles and stares into your eyes.

"I like your perfume and makeup today, Y/N. Would you like to come to dinner with me tonight?" Shrek asks while standing up from his desk.

"Why, Shrek, are you asking me out?" you ask coyly, batting your eyes.

Shrek rolls his eyes. "You know I wanted to. Peppa has been making moves on me all day, but she can't compare to your beauty."

Your heart flutters as you stare up at Shrek's manly ogre face."Of course I'll go out with you, Shrek! I can't resist your muscular ogre-biceps! Where do you want to go?"

Shrek smirks. "You'll have to find out. Meet me at the coffee shop where you first saw my stunning ogre-ness, and I'll take you to get the finest ONION dishes in this whole town."

Your heart races, and you nod in agreement. Shrek kisses your hand once again, and you leave his office. 

After you return to your cubicle, both Thanos and Peppa look at you suspiciously. They can both tell that something has got you excited, but they're too nervous to ask, for different reasons. 

Finally, Peppa pipes up. "So, Y/N, did Shrek finally reject you?" she says, not with her usual confidence and smugness.

You look at her and glare in a snobby way, just to make her angry. "Quite the contrary, actually. We're going on a date tonight," you say, relishing the moment.

Peppa's face turns a deep purple, and she huffs at you. "He probably pities you. After all, your only boyfriend was a toxic 4-year old named Caillou, and you cried over that baby for weeks!"

As she says this, you roll your eyes. "You're so obviously jealous, Peppa, and it's sad. Maybe you should date Thanos!" you say, turning to see what Thanos thinks. 

Thanos has a slightly sad and angry look on his face, but he quickly changes his countenance into a neutral look. "Sure, whatever," he says, shrugging.

Peppa rolls her eyes. "I would never go on a date with some dumb purple alien who can't even collect a few magic stones. I'll be able to get Shrek to date me. Just you wait!" Peppa yells, drawing attention to herself as she storms away from you.

You laugh and turn to Thanos, trying to see if he was laughing with you, but he had already gone back to his work. You sigh, look at him once more, and get back to work, excited for your first date with Shrek.


	10. Chapter 10

I walked up to the coffee shop where Shrek and I first met, and I see my beautiful ogre prince sitting and waiting for me. He turns his green-hued head at me and grins suggestively, wiggling his jaw.

"Hey, my swampy ogre princess. Ready to stuff our faces?" he says.

"Yummalicious!" you say, trying to be seductive while giggling.

Shrek leads you to the limousine, and you gasp as you get in. It's full of ONION champagne, and has tons of wine! He pours two glasses of the finest champagne and raises his glass. "A toast to us. We are like ONIONS, and ONIONS have layers. We have layers."

You giggle and clink your glass with his, and then gulp down the delicious, tangy, bubbly beverage. "Yummers! That is absolutely scrumptious!" you scream at the top of your lungs, and then guzzle down the entire bottle.

Shrek stares at you with wide eyes and then grabs another bottle of alcohol. He rips off the cap and gulps it down in one swallow. "Tee hee hee! I'm so qUiRkY!"

As a pair, you both laugh and drink several more bottles as you head to your date.

__________

"Whoopee! We're here!" you shriek, and stumble out of the car. You almost face-plant into the pavement, when Shrek suddenly catches you with his meaty muscles.

"Cleanup on aisle DRUNK! Get it?" Shrek asks and laughs at his own qUiRkY joke.

You pretend to laugh along, but inside, you're concerned. You didn't know dad jokes were an add-on to Shrek!

He leads you to a table at the restaurant, and you quickly sit down in your seat. In the light of the candle that is sitting on the table, Shrek looks even more manly and ogre-like than before.

"I'll order our appetizers for us," Shrek says, and calls a waiter over. 

"Hello! I'm Tickle-Me-Elmo! What can I get you as an appe-TEASER today, sir and madam?" Elmo says, and giggles.

"Yes, we'll have 4 pounds of ONION rings, please. Extra crisp and extra swampy!" Shrek exclaims and winks at you seductively. You can't help but be attracted by how he orders that food.

"Right away, sir! First, would you like some alcohol?" Elmo asks, looking at both of you.

You're about to say yes, but Shrek interrupts. "No, thank you," he says and looks at you. "Milady is already quite drunk."

Elmo walks away, and you glare at Shrek in your drunken stupor. "Heeeeeeeey, I wanted alcohol! Gimme!" you yell, stomping your foot and making a scene.

People around you stare and whisper, and Shrek shushes you. You blush, and apologize quietly. "Sorry about that, Shrek. I'm kind of a radio REBEL (cue Debby Ryan's entrance) (just kidding)."

"It's fine, sweetie pickle. Wanna play truth or dare?" Shrek asks, wiggling his eyebrows and jaws at the same time.

Normally, you wouldn't want to play truth or dare since you're too old and mAtUrE for it, but something about Shrek's wiggling facial features made you want to do anything he suggested. "Sure!"

"Okay, I'll go first. Y/N, truth or dare?" asks Shrek, looking into your orb-shaped eyes.

"Truth." you say, raising your eyebrows up and down and batting your eyelashes.

"Alright. Are you deeply attracted to me and no one else?" he asks, his eyes hardening as they look at you questioningly."

"Of course. No man, ogre, alien, or man-child could ever make me feel the way you do. Truth or dare, Shrek?"

Shrek looks satisfied with your answer and leans back. "Truth."

"Would you ever be with Peppa?" you ask, staying confident on the outside, but on the inside, your heart was fragile. If he said yes, you would be broken.

He wastes no time answering. "Never. She's a pig, metaphorically and physically, and she's, like, nine years old. That's too old for me!"

Suddenly, Elmo comes back with your appe-TEASERS. "Here you go, fine people. The crispiest onion rings in all the land."

Elmo places them on the table with a flourish and then leaves you two alone.


	11. Chapter 11

Once Elmo leaves, you take a peek at the platter of ONION rings. You grab one delicately and then shove it into your face, chewing and munching loudly. Shrek looks at you, and then speaks.

"Wow, you're so hot when you munch and crunch those ONION rings like that." he says, while grabbing some rings of his own and chomping down.

"So are you..." you say, and wink. Shrek wiggles your eyebrows back at you, and then you both continue to eat the appe-TEASERS.

__________

Finally, you both had eaten all of the scrumptious rings of yumminess, and Elmo comes back with dinner menus. You both look over the list of foods as Elmo stands nearby, waiting patiently. Shrek beckons Elmo back over once you are both ready to order.

"I'll take a swamp soup with cat-tail salad." Shrek says, handing his menu back to Elmo.

Elmo nods and takes the menu back, tucking it under his arm. Then, he turns to you. "What would you like, Madam?" 

You scan the menu once more, and then you look back up at Elmo. "I'll take 666 filet mignons, and a healthy side-salad." 

"Very fine choice, Madam. We'll have Monsieur's swamp soup and your 666 filet mignons out in no time." Elmo says, and with that, he headed back to the kitchen.

While you both wait for your meals, you and Shrek discuss your families and past lives before meeting each other. Even though it is fun to talk with Shrek, all you want to do is kiss him! How qUiRkY!

__________

After about 10 minutes, Shrek's swamp soup is delivered and your 666 filet mignons are delivered via a wheelbarrow. All your steaks are dumped onto the table, and you can barely see Shrek over the pile! Right away, you eat 20 filet mignons just so you're able to see Shrek over the pile of beef.

"Haha, I'm glad you can see me over that stack!" Shrek says.

You laugh. "Shrek, you're the only beefcake I want to look at!"

Shrek chuckles along with you, and you continue to eat. Suddenly, you hear a voice behind you. You quickly turn around and gasp! "What are you doing here?" you yell, making a scene.

The figure laughs. "Oh, Y/N, did you really think I was done with you?"

Shrek wiggles his eyebrows in confusion. "Y/N, who is this?"

You sigh and look over to Shrek. "This is my toxic ex-boyfriend, Caillou." 

Everyone in the restaurant gasps, and people start booing at Caillou. He looks embarrassed, and starts to storm off. Before he leaves, though, he turns to you with an evil look. "I'll be back, Y/N, and when I am, Shrek won't be the one that you'll want to be dating. Wink."

As he says this, you roll your eyes. "Did you just say 'wink' out loud? That's so childish." 

"Well, I'M JUST A KID WHO'S FOUR, EACH DAY I GROW SOME MORE, I'M STILL-" Caillou tries to sing his epic theme song, but eventually, he can't be heard over the booing and he finally leaves for good.

"That was... interesting," Shrek says, looking embarrassed. 

You grab Shrek's hand over the pile of beef and stare into his beautiful orbs. "I only have eyes for you, Shrek. I would never go back to my toxic 4-year-old ex!" 

He smiles at that, and calls over Elmo. "Could the lady and I get our meals to go?"

"Of course, monsieur! I'll get the boxes now." Elmo says and comes back with loads of styrofoam boxes.

With the help of Elmo, you pack up the other 600 of your steaks and Shrek's soup, and then you both get into your limo from earlier. As you settle into the car, you snuggle into Shrek's meaty arms and reflect on how amazing that date was.


	12. Chapter 12

We got back to my apartment, and I turned to Shrek with a seductive look and batted my eyelashes. "Wanna stay over at my place?"

Shrek wiggled his jaw and nodded violently. You try to grab his hand, but you find that he's already holding his own hand! The betrayal radiates off your face. He notices your shocked expression and rips his hand away from his other hand. "OMG BABY I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON YOU WITH MYSELF I SWEAR!!!! UWU!!!" 

"Thanks babe xoxo." you say, and lead him into your apartment. 

He stares at your 12" plasma TV with a certain look on his face. You think he's about to compliment your great appliances, but what he actually says is different. "Wow, U POOR!" 

"Honey, poor-shaming isn't okay! Plus, you pay my salary!" you say, giggling.

Shrek giggles along. "Tee hee hee! Just kidding, I would never poor-shame you, even if it's true!"

You give him a fake offended look, and then quickly you get an idea. "Do you wanna have a sleepover? We can paint nails and watch Mean Girls!"

He nods vigorously at your idea, and you quickly go to retrieve your nail polish. "What color do you want, Shrek?" 

"Swamp green and bright pink!" he shrieks, squealing.

You pull out the colors that he requested and grab his toes. "I'll start painting now!"

As you paint, Shrek turns on Mean Girls. "What character is your favorite, Y/N?" 

After he asks his question, you pause painting to think about it. "Karen. She's the best one! What about you, my ogre prince?"

Shrek also thinks about it for a second, and then answers. "I like Regina. She's a boss, just like me!"

You nod in agreement. "Plus, you would look great with blonde hair!" 

He laughs along with you, and you continue to do some artful designs on his beefy toes.

__________

A few hours later, both of you have your nails painted, and the movie ended. You yawn and cuddle in Shrek's chunky hunky upper appendages. He looks over at you. "Y/N, you seem exhausted! Let's get you to bed!"

You moan in attempted protest, but that turns into yet another yawn. He picks you up in his buff arms and carries you to the bedroom. For a second, you wonder how he knows where your bedroom is, but then he drops you in bed and your eyes droop down due to sleepiness.

"Goodnight, Shrek..." you say drowsily.

Shrek smiles at you and tucks you into bed, kissing you softly on the forehead. "Goodnight, my sweet ogre princess."

Once he says this, he shuts off the lights, and you drift off into a blissful sleep.

__________

After a few hours of sleep, you wake up to a distant mumbling sound. You crawl out of your bed and walk into the living room. The mumbling got louder! Suddenly, you realize it was coming from Shrek! You walk closer to him to try to hear what he was saying. Shrek was passed out on the couch, and his mumbling was getting louder.

"Zzzzzzzzzzzz- Donkey- zzzzzz..." After hearing what he said, you gasp! Your dream was right! A few days ago, you had dreamed of Shrek calling you a donkey, but never in a million years would you have thought that it would actually happen!

Unfortunately, your gasp was a bit too loud, and Shrek shot up from the couch. He turns to you with a confused look. "Were you watching me sleep?" 

"No! I came in here wanting to know why I heard mumbling, and then I heard you calling me a donkey!" you yell angrily.

Shrek's face flushes red, and he waves his hands around. "No, wait, that's not what that means!"

You roll your eyes. "Stop with the excuses, Shrek. I dreamt about this! Now, get out!"

His face becomes sad, and he keeps trying to speak, but you start chucking pillows at him. Finally, he has no choice but to leave your apartment. Once he's out, you shut the door and lean against it, using it to support you as you cry.


	13. Chapter 13

Bright light streamed through the window as you blinked your eyes tiredly. Your entire body was sore, and that was probably due to the fact that you fell asleep against the door. For a second, you couldn't remember why you were asleep next to the door, and then you remembered. Last night's events brought tears to your eyes, but you quickly wiped them away. You had to show Shrek that no one was allowed to call you a donkey and to do that, you'd need to make him jealous.

You put on your cutest green shirt, black work pants that are tight-fitting, and high heels that are 7 inches tall. As you look at yourself in the mirror, you silently approve of the look.

__________

Finally, you arrive at the office. You tip your Uber and walk into your building, ready to show off. Thanos greets you at the door, and you walk in together.

"I heard about your breakup with Shrek!" Thanos says, a bit too happily.

Your eyebrows knit together, and you look up at him questioningly. "Why do you sound so positive about it? Also, how do you even know about it? It happened just last night!"

Thanos dims his expression after you point that out. "Shrek was posting about it on social media. He seemed super sad and depressed, or whatever. I was just being happy because I didn't really think he would treat you well. You need someone who understands you, and he isn't even human!"

"You're not human, either..." you say, trying to make a point, but Thanos rolls his eyes.

"Come on, you know what I mean. Ogres and humans don't have the best history of being good together. However, aliens..." Thanos trails off after noticing your expression.

"I don't want to talk about it," you say firmly, and Thanos raises his hands in defense.

"Fine, fine," he says, and with that, you head up to your cubicles.

__________

After about an hour of working, you decide to go and grab a cup of coffee. Once you're in the kitchen, you grab the Keurig cup, a mug, and set it all up. You cup your hands and put your head in your hands as you wait for the coffee, watching it drizzle into the cup. Suddenly, a voice behind you clears its throat.

"Can we talk?" the voice says, and you can immediately tell that it's Shrek.

Your face contorts in anger, but you refuse to turn around. "Oh, I didn't know you needed permission to talk to me. I thought that I was just some barnyard animal or DONKEY to you." 

For a few moments, Shrek doesn't say anything. "Come on, it was just a dream! I can-"

"You can what?" you say, lashing out at him as you turn to face him. "You can make an excuse for what you said? I don't think so! My dream predicted this would happen, and honestly, I trust my dream and myself more than you."

With that, you grab your now filled coffee cup and storm out, not saying another word. Shrek keeps asking you to come back, but he soon realizes that that was not a good moment for you.

__________

As you sit down, Peppa snorts next to you. "What is it, Peppa?" you say, exhausted enough.

"I guess I just knew that you weren't good enough for Shrek. It was only a matter of time, and I guess the time you got with him was only a day." Peppa states smugly.

I roll my eyes. "You know what, Peppa? Shrek deserves you. I mean, you're already a barnyard animal, so if he calls you a donkey in his sleep, he won't be too far off!" you say, and turn back to your work.

Peppa is speechless, since she has no context for what you mean, and eventually closes her gaping mouth and focuses back on her laptop.


	14. Chapter 14

It's now been a few weeks since the Donkey incident, and you have to do your monthly report for Shrek in just a couple hours. You debated about going homesick, but that would only delay the inevitable. Unfortunately, you finally came to the conclusion that you were just going to have to do it.

The clock struck 3, and you were outside of Shrek's office. You push the metal doors open, and Shrek looked up from his work. As he looked at you, pain shot through his eyes, but he covered it up quickly with a business-like face.

"Do you have the report ready?" Shrek asked with no emotion in his voice.

You nodded and began the presentation, not looking up from the paper at all. Shrek continued to stare at you with smoldering intensity, but you had to resist the temptation to peek a glance at his beautiful face.

__________

Once you're done with the presentation, you give a small 'thank you for your time' to Shrek and quickly walk to the door. Shrek stands up and holds out his hand from behind his desk. "Y/N, wait!"

You begin to push open the door, but suddenly, a pair of buff arms wrapped around your waist and picked you up. Quickly, you were shoved up against the nearby wall. Shrek was pinning you to the concrete and was looking into your eyes with a new intensity. It wasn't anger, but more of... admiration?

"You aren't leaving until I explain myself, Y/N. Now, sit down or I'll make you sit." Shrek said. 

After he finished saying that, you headed over to the chair adjacent from his desk and sit down. He sits on the other side and folds his hands together.

"Look, I'm going to tell you something that I never tell anyone. I was never calling you a donkey, I was dreaming about Donkey, my ex-fiancee."

You gasp, slapping your hands across your mouth. What a twist!

Shrek looks at your surprised countenance and nods. "Yeah. I was in love with Donkey, but they left me for a Dragon. They also somehow had kids with that Dragon, and I'm not exactly willing to imagine how that happened," he shakes his head and rubs his temples, trying to rid his memory of that image, "but that's why I was saying Donkey. I have nightmares about them. After all, we were engaged, and they broke my heart. However, there's someone else in my life who I think I may love even more than Donkey."

At that, you stand up suddenly, tears threatening to spill over your eyelids. Did Shrek really bring you in here to tell you that he was in love with someone else? As you get up to leave again, Shrek grabs your wrist.

"Y/N, how dense are you? I'm not talking about another person, I'm talking about YOU." he says, and smashes his ogre lips into yours. The kiss is passionate and beautiful, and it's everything you could have ever wished for. After the kiss, you wrap Shrek in a tight embrace, tears still streaming down your face.

"I- I love you too, Shrek..." you say, hugging him tightly.

After about 5 minutes of hugging and crying, you and Shrek let go. He hands you a tissue to clean yourself up with, and you finally leave his office. Your heart skips a few beats every time you think about what just happened, and you end up leaving work early. It wasn't like you were going to get much work done, and especially not after what just happened!


	15. Chapter 15

Once you got back to your apartment, you quickly shut the door and slid to the floor. Shrek had just kissed you, and your heart felt as if it had transformed into a million butterflies! You were about to put your bag down when suddenly, your phone began to ring in the kitchen. You picked it up quickly.

"Hello?" you ask.

There are a few seconds of silence, and right as you are about to hang up, someone begins to speak. 

"Shrek will never be yours. He will be mine. Mine. MINE!" someone yelled into your ear, and then cackled loudly. 

Their sentence sends shivers down your spine, and you can't tell if you're more scared or angry with them. "Who is this? Reveal yourself!"

For a few seconds, there is still no speaking, but in the background, you can hear a pig snort and a child-like voice. "Peppa and Caillou!" you exclaim.

The two on the other end gasp, and then begin to laugh together. "Sleep with one eye open tonight, Y/N..." Peppa says, "you may want to make sure there's no one trying to MURDER you!"

Suddenly, you hear something that sounds like a shove on the other line, and Caillou's voice fills your ear. "There isn't going to be any murdering, Y/N," he says with his childish voice, "but you may want to savor your time with Shrek, since it won't last long..." 

Peppa and Caillou cackle yet again, and you roll your eyes. "You guys are so dumb. A pig and a four-year-old are probably barely able to do anything, let alone break up a relationship."

"We'll see about that..." Peppa and Caillou say, and then hang up.

You place the phone back into the receiver, and immediately your heart starts pounding. Although you didn't let it show on the call, you were actually extremely scared. Caillou, who had been your boyfriend, was pretty toxic, and Peppa was super jealous. That combination couldn't be good. You know what you have to do.

Quickly, you speed-dial Shrek. He picks up on the second ring. "Hello?" he asks. 

"Hi, Shrek. I need your help." you say, gasping for air.

Shrek quickly replies. "What's wrong? Do I need to come over?"

"No. I think it's better if you don't. Peppa and Caillou are working together to try and break us up, and I'm worried that us together will make for an easier target. What should we do?" you say, close to tears.

After you say that, Shrek's calm, steady voice fills your ear and calms your body. "Relax, Y/N. I'll send over some bodyguards to your apartment. I already have some, so I'll be okay, but I'll send you two top-notch ones. You'll be safe. Don't worry about them trying to break us up, because I love you. Nothing a pig and a four-year-old will do can change that."

You sigh with relief at his words. "Thank you, Shrek. I was really worried, and you calmed me down."

"No problem. The bodyguards will be there in about 20 minutes, and I'll see you at work tomorrow. Goodbye, Y/N."

"Goodbye, Shrek." you say.

Finally, after your comforting conversation with Shrek, you sit down on your couch and relax until the bodyguards arrive.

A/N: Wow, sorry for not updating in so long! I was feeling unmotivated, but writing another fanfic kinda got me up to do this one as well. I'll try to be more consistent, but I suck at that. Anyways, I know it's just my friends reading this, but thanks for reading! See you next time, so stay healthy and safe!


	16. Chapter 16

All of a sudden, a banging on your door echoes through your house. 

"Here, Cool Cat, let me get the door for you!" a man says, and the door creaks open.

An old man and a giant orange cat enter your house. The man is carrying a giant semi-automatic gun with him, and the cat has a blue shirt with his face on it.

"Hey! I'm Cool Cat, and I looooove all kids!" the giant cat yelled, and you shrunk back.

"Uh, I'm not a kid..." you say, concerned.

Cool Cat rolls his large eyeballs. "I know, silly. I'm just stating a fact! I loooove kids!"

Daddy Derek laughs. "Good work, Cool Cat! Sorry about that, Y/N. Cool Cat gets a little enthusiastic when he talks about his favorite things."

At this, Daddy Derek, and you politely chuckle along, despite how uncomfortable you are. "Where will you guys be?"

"We'll stay in your guest room. That'll be cooOOOOOL!" Cool Cat yells, shaking his leg and his long orange tail.

"Alright. It's the second door on the left, and it connects to a small bathroom." As Cool Cat and Daddy Derek left for the guest bedroom, you crept to your room and booted up your computer. No one you worked with knew this, but you were a famous Twitch streamer! Today, you decided to do some epic Roblox Phantom Forces gameplay.

"What's up, guys?" you say, and you smiled as you saw the chat getting excited about the stream. It was going to be a good one.

__________

About an hour into the stream, someone donated 100 dollars. Your eyes widened at this, and you went to check who had donated it.

"Thank you... CAILLOU?" you exclaimed.

Suddenly, Caillou said something in the chat that made you shiver with fear.

Caillou: Soon, Shrek will be no more and you will be with me. Mwahaha!

Quickly, you ended the stream and flopped onto your bed, holding your heart to prevent it from soaring out of your chest. Caillou, although he was just a kid who's four, was good at keeping his end of threats, and you couldn't help but think that something bad was definitely going to happen.

"Cool Cat! Daddy Derek!" you yell as you walk into the living room. Cool Cat comes out from the guest bedroom first, and Daddy Derek follows behind with a giant revolver.

"What is it, Y/N?" Cool Cat asks, wagging his tail violently.

"I was on Twitch streaming, and Caillou got on and made another threat to Shrek! Is Shrek going to be okay?"

Daddy Derek stroked his revolver as he spoke. "Shrek has top-notch security. I would know because I trained them for my movie 'Gun Safety for Ladies'! Trust me, Y/N, your Shrek will be more than fine."

At this, you breathe a sigh of relief. "Thank you, guys. I'm going to sleep for the night, but feel free to use my TV."

"Alright, Y/N! We'll watch my movie, Cool Cat Saves The Kids! That'll be coooooooOOOOOOOL!" exclaims Cool Cat as he jumps onto the couch and shakes his leg in a concerning manner.

__________

You settle into bed, curling up in the blankets. Although your windows are closed and blinds are completely blocking out any light from them, you feel like something is watching you. As you drift off to sleep, however, it seems like you don't hear the low pig snorts emanating from your closet...


	17. Chapter 17

You wake up to a pink hand covering your mouth. A scream begs to come out from your throat, but the hand refuses to let any sound escape. Suddenly, the pink hand's owner bends down, and a silent gasp rattles through you as you get a good look at the intruder.

"Look. I'm not going to hurt you, but this is a warning. Shrek is mine, and if you try to meddle in our business, we'll be having a different conversation. Break up with him, or you and Shrek will be hurt worse than you can possibly imagine." Peppa says sharply.

Her words hurt you, but you slowly nod. After all, you don't have much say in the matter, and you don't want Shrek to get hurt. Peppa grins maliciously and cracks open your window, jumping on to the fire escape and giving an evil snort as she runs away. You're shaking out of fear, and knowing you won't be able to fall asleep, you decide to get onto your laptop and read some fanfics until the sun comes up.

\---

The sun bursts through your window's blinds, and you stretch your arms up towards your ceiling. Your heart feels like a lead weight since you know that today you'll have to break up with Shrek. 

Once you've had some coffee and eaten a bagel, it's time to head to work. You give a quick goodbye to Cool Cat and Daddy Derek since they'll be guarding your house (probably not well, since Peppa managed to get in last night), and then you head out the door.

The weather is far to nice for the sad event that is going to have to take place today, and you sort of wish it was raining. The Uber is even nice to you, which is a rare occurrence. Everything just feels wrong. 

Thanos is waiting for you at the entrance to your building, and you walk in solemnly alongside him. 

"Is something wrong, Y/N?" he questions.

You sigh and shake your head side to side. "No, Thanos. There's just something difficult that I have to do today."

He nods in understanding, and the trip upstairs is silent. Before heading to Shrek's office, you drop your bag off at your cubicle and say hello to your coworkers. Oddly enough, Peppa isn't there, but she also probably didn't want to be there right after breaking into your home.

The walk to Shrek's office is filled with nervous thoughts, your loud heartbeats, and squinting your eyes to prevent tears from leaking out. You and Shrek had just begun to have a stable relationship, and it was now all being trashed on by a 4-year-old and a pig.

Slowly, you push the metal doors open and peek into Shrek's office. You expect to just see him at his desk, but instead, there's someone with him. A pink figure is kissing his face, and the whole sight makes you want to vomit.

"What the heck, Shrek? Why are you making out with Peppa?"


	18. Chapter 18

Shrek pushed Peppa off, blushing as he acknowledged me. "Y/N, it's not what it looks like!"

"I thought you were a faithful ogre! We watched Mean Girls together!"

"Y/N, cheating on you with Peppa would be, like, so not fetch," Shrek said, referencing Mean Girls.

Peppa snorted at this. "What's wrong with me?"

"You're too pink and you smell like ham," Shrek replied, looking at Y/N lovingly.

At this, Peppa growled in disdain and marched out, grabbing her Gucci purse as she left. The sound of her Gucci flip-flops echoed down the hallway.

Once Peppa had exited, Y/N turned back on Shrek. "Why were you smooching her? We haven't even smooched yet!"

"She grabbed me! It was forced upon me like green bell peppers in my stir fry!" he replied, standing up from his chair and looking down on Y/N with his glistening, immaculate orbs.

Y/N had to make a decision. Was Shrek worth all the grief they would receive from Caillou and Peppa? Or should she dumb his sorry butt?

Taking a deep breath in, Y/N stared back at Shrek piercingly. 

"I believe you."

\----------------------------------------------------------

Caillou pushed himself off of the wall, grabbing Peppa's shoulders. "They've made up! We need to fix this." 

"I have a plan." Peppa responded, snorting proudly as she pulled out a small bottle. Caillou examined it, and the smirk on his face grew.

"Perfect."

\----------------------------------------------------------

Thanos paced around his apartment, thinking deeply. He didn't approve of Shrek and Y/N, but he would do anything for Y/N's happiness. If that meant letting Shrek be with Y/N and waiting out their doomed relationship, it would be worth it.

He took out his phone to distract his mind when he suddenly received a text from an unknown number. The message changed everything.

"If you want to be with Y/N, join the dark side. Meet us in the last stall in the men's restroom tomorrow."

A smile grew on Thanos's face, and he became giddy for the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so short and delayed by three months! I'm getting back into writing it, but this had to be short just so I could remember this hilariously stupid plot. Hope you enjoyed, and stay tuned!


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